A blog in my stank ass shoes..

Tuesday, November 20, 2001
Well, I might not be attending school in February.. not in this country anyway.

It's been a long time dream of mine to travel around the world for an extended period of time. If I've learned anything this year from all the tragedies, not only from September 11th but also from my brother's illness, I've learned you should live your life to the fullest. And this is not saying that going to school to be a teacher wouldn't be gratifying and fulfilling. Aside from that, I'm talking about living out a dream. Something that I would deeply regret if I never did it. I'm still young and I have nothing tying me down. I figure if I were to start school now, by the time I would finish I'd be early thirties, probably looking to settle down and start a family. But it's so hard to even know where I'll be at that point in my life. Maybe I won't be alive at 30.. it's very possible. I know it sounds grim but it's the truth. I obviously can't hop on a plane tomorrow (and clicking my heels three times with red sparkly shoes doesn't seem to be working) but I am tentatively planning mid-spring. Assuming I pay off my debts and get my shit together; dentist, eye doctor and regular old check up. If I really buckle down and start saving, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be a problem. I just have to stop buying red sparkly shoes. I think I'd even try going to school abroad.. if I could get the funds. I would certainly want to teach english. There are a lot of things I need to start planning if this is the path I take. The idea feels really good.. I'm glowing with the ideas running through me.

I hope it's true what they say.. If you can make it here (New York, New York), you can make it anywhere.

Thursday, November 15, 2001
A couple of exciting things have happened in the past couple of days.. some good, some bad.

I went on another date with Adam on Tuesday night. We met in SoHo and then we drove to chinatown so he could get a gift for some friends of his. Afterwards we headed back to SoHo and ate at this Asian restaurant.. it was pretty tasty. It was definitely an early evening but we had a really nice time.

Yesterday, I bought my plane tickets home.. I'm soooooooo sooooooo excited to see everyone! I leave Christmas morning which kinda bites but it all works out perfectly. I can't wait!

And the bad.. a huge fight broke out in the bar last night. Pretty scary. I was finishing up my night, handing in my paperwork to Natasha and two guys behind me starting having some words. So I ran to get the bouncer and he seperated them.. for a few minutes anyway. I went downstairs to get my things and when I came back up they were at it again. The next thing I know some guy right behind me threw the first punch and then it just escalated from there. It was pretty big.. I would say there were at least 5 guys fighting each other. I just don't understand people. The sad thing is they were probably fighting over a pool game or something equally ridiculous. You'd think with all the events that are happening now, the last thing people would want is more fighting.. apparently not. It's sad.

Anyway.. that's my brief summary of the past couple days.

Tuesday, November 13, 2001
Tuesday, Tuesday la laa, la la laa Tuesday, Tuesday la laa..

If I could have anything in the world.. I'd want some rhythm to run through my body or even the ability to spell rhythm without having to look it up. Not to say that I don't have an ear for good music, I just wish I could express it.. sing, dance or play an instrument. That's all I ask for.

So, I'm feeling much better.. except that I woke up with a scratchy throat this morning, but I'm pretty sure it will pass. I had a really great weekend. Let me tell...

Friday night, I ended up going out with Adam. He was able to leave work (in New Jersey) early and offered to pick me up at 5. He has a car.. it's so exciting, I feel like I'm sixteen again. Anyway, he took me to this very nice, very elegant Mexican restaurant. We had a wonderful dinner and bottle of wine. The conversation was good. He's probably not really my type (is anyone my type?) but we get along pretty well. After dinner we headed to the east village to have another drink before we called it an evening. We drove around forever looking for a damn parking space. It got a little frustrating after awhile, although I did get to see a lot of the east village/soho, so we just kept driving until we ended up in union square where we found a space and decided to just find any place closest to where we were. We found a plain little bar.. the kind of place where you would go for happy hour or something. It actually reminded me a bit of Dad Watson's only not as hip as Dad's. We hung out there for awhile and had a really nice time. Overall, the date went really good, I had a lot of fun. And we are going out again tonight.

Saturday, I was able to wake up early and make it to my yoga class. I felt so good afterwards, went back home and had a really nice afternoon. I was listening to some music, read my book for a little while and wrote in my journal. I've decided that this is just not the place for me to write some of my most personal thoughts and that keeping a hand written journal is a good idea, where this can just keep up with my daily activities and some less personal thoughts.

Tori and I met up later in the evening to head to Rhoda's house for an early dinner and to hang out for a bit. We ended staying much longer than intended and never made it to the party we were supposed to go to that night. It was an interesting night.. fun, but certainly interesting.

And Sunday, Tim (a friend from work) and I went into Tori's restaurant to have brunch. It was very nice.. I hadn't been to brunch in a long time and I remember how much I love eating a big, hearty breakfast. I had this asparagus eggs benedict.. absolutely delicious. Afterwards, I ran some errands, went home and did my laundry; which I timed perfectly to watch the Simpons and Malcom in the Middle. I was tucked into bed by 11:00... so nice.

I worked at the bar last night. It was my first night there since last Monday. I was a little worried they were going to fire me or something for calling in two days in a row, but they didn't so I worked last night. This is a good thing. I really like my bar. Although people are starting to freak me out a little. I mean there is a huge "regular" crowd that comes in there and most of them are really cool. But my problem is, is that I'm approached a lot. I mean at first it was very flattering (still is) and the job has certainly boosted my esteem but it's getting a little out of control. There was a guy in there last night, whom I've met before and is fun to talk to and hang out with, while I'm working, but somehow he got the impression that he makes me laugh and we should go on a date together. Okay, that's sweet and all but no thank you.. not interested in that, at all. He just wouldn't take no for an answer.. it was really, really frustrating. I was able to leave without agreeing to a date but I know he will be back in there to hound me. I'm just too nice to people. My new rule is going to be that I don't date ANYONE from my bar. I just know he's going to come in again, and I have to find a friendly way to tell him, that I'm really not interested. It's harder than it sounds.

Anyway, I wanted to write more but I completely lost my train of thought. I can't believe how quickly time is flying by. Next week is Thanksgiving already! Holy crap, that's all I gotta say...

Friday, November 09, 2001
Uggh... talk about not feeling well. This cold or whatever you want to call it just snuck up on me. I left work early on Wednesday, called in sick to the bar didn't come into work yesterday and had to call in again to the bar last night. I came into work today but still feel like crap. I almost passed out on the train on my way to work. This cold has mainly consisted of me having an awful migraine, feeling really dizzy and my head has been congested. Yuck.

I talked to Adam on the phone the other night (he's the one I met while Aimee was here) we had a really good conversation. We are hoping to go out for dinner this evening... depending on how I feel later. Tomorrow should be an active day; yoga in the morning, shopping for winter jacket in the afternoon, dinner at Rhoda's in the evening and a party to end the night. I just hope I'm feeling well enough to partake in all the days activities. Sunday I'm going to take another yoga class and then eat brunch at Tori's restaurant. I've been meaning to go there forever. Sunday sounds good.. maybe I'll ask my secret crush to join me.

Anthony emailed me in response to my last blog entry. I wouldn't say anything "good" came out of it. At first I thought it might send me into another mixed up emotional state but really it hasn't affected me much.. except make me slightly angry while returning his emails. I was probably a bit harsh and unforgiving but what should be expected from me?

That's all from my end right now. Looking forward to seeing everyone when I come home.

Monday, November 05, 2001
I've been slacking big time with my blog... it's just so hard to keep up. I won't make excuses.

I guess I'll start with halloween. Tori and I dressed up like androids together. I don't want to gloat but we looked pretty good. I would insert a photo of us if I knew how to, but I don't so that will be a project for me in the near future.. after I purchase my computer and I play around a little. We had fun. It certainly made up for my shitty halloween last year.

Other than that, I've just been working a lot. I've been keeping myself busy. When I'm not working, I'm reading, sleeping or partaking in a new found social life. I'm at a stage where I'm about ready to quit Riot Manhattan. It will be a big step for me so I want to make sure I'm positive I want to leave but I think it's just about to that point. I know it will make me sad to leave. I do have fun here most of the time but fun shouldn't be what keeps me here.

I had a pretty entertaining weekend. Friday night I went to The Donkey Show, which is supposed to be a modern day version of Midsummer Night's Dream with a twist. But I would describe it more as an eccentric disco party with some added flair. There was a group of us who went together. I was actually very reluctant on going at first but I'm glad I went. We had a really great time. After the show we ate at some diner, then headed out to another bar. Most of the party left at that point so I was just left with my friend and this other guy. We ended up partying until pretty late, or early however you choose to look at it. My friend lives in Weschester so I offered my place for him to crash at. Although, I'm sure Joel was under a different impression. Not that I think he's keeping tabs on me or anything but I imagine it looked pretty bad. I don't really care though. I don't think it would even get back to Anthony.. not that I should even be thinking about it. I will say that I'm pretty disappointed, and quite offened that I cared and loved someone so much but for them to not even have the courtesy to see how I've been, or to even have the "final" talk. He's probably dating someone else. He must be, to so easily forget me. I don't want to give the impression that I'm hurt but it does make me a bit angry if I think about it too long. So I don't.

Saturday night was supposed to be dedicated to me staying home and finishing my book, however I went into my bar to pick up my money from Thursday night. I had one beer while chatting with Jamie and Natasha and one beer turned into two and then the Yankee game was on and then Orin wanted me to play a game of pool with him and then I met these three girls and this guy named Patrick and well.. I had an unexpectedly entertaining evening.

That's about it for now. I'll try and be better about writing. It's so easy to get into the bad habit of not writing. It's just so easy to be lazy. Although, I wouldn't label myself lazy these days.. I don't have time to be lazy.

Tuesday, October 23, 2001
It's been awhile.. hasn't it?

Well, Aimee left this morning. We had a lot of fun. Maybe too much fun. :o) hee hee

I'll sum of the visit and part of last week:
Wednesday-worked, didn't get home until late.
Thursday-worked, went out with friends after work, didn't get home until entirely too late.
Friday-woke up late to pick aimee up from airport. we came home from airport and took a long, much needed nap. woke up, got ready and went out. met some nice people, danced, ate burgers and stumbled home. oh, and i completely flaked out on work(riot).. didn't call, didn't show up.. yes, i got in trouble.
Saturday-went to my bar, played pool and watched mariner's lose. walked around east village and shopped. ate food. rested and then went out again saturday night. met some more nice people and a really cute, smart, nice boy. went to second bar with cute boy and friends then took cab home.
Sunday-layed out in central park to recover from hangover(s). walked around.. lots. ate hot dog(s). ate early dinner. saw very depressing french movie. came home early and read and fell asleep.
Monday-went into times square, attempting to shop but unsuccessful. saw brite, flashy lights, busy streets and crowds of people. had to waste some time before dinner at a friends house later in the evening so went into my bar and played pool and listened to juke box. went to elisha's house made cous cous, chit chatted and waited for tori to come over to eat dinner. had some super yummy chicken with apricots and raisins and i think some ginger and teriyaki, sprinkled with almonds, we also had the famous cous cous (aimee and i lived off this stuff.. soooo yummy) and we drank some tasty wine. we had good conversation, listened to good music, ate really delicious food and looked at all elisha's shoes.. had a very nice evening. oh, and cute boy from saturday called me.

That's about it.. or all I remember.. or all I care to share at this moment. :o)

Monday, October 15, 2001
Okee.. I'll just fill in my past few days real briefly... I don't have the writing bug today.

I worked at the bar again Friday night. I'll tell you, the more I work there, the more I like it. Pretty soon I'm going to give up one of these jobs and I have a feeling it's going to be Riot. My patience is wearing very thin for this place. The only reason I'm still here is because of the people (most of them are pretty cool) but honestly I don't know how much longer I can take it. Anyway, I worked Friday night and had a lot of fun. I get paid to serve people drinks (which makes them happy) and when I'm not delivering drinks, I'm socializing.. what could be better?

So Saturday, I slept a good portion of the afternoon, I finished another book, I found a mouse/rat? in the pantry and I had a date. I'll start with the rodent.. I woke up early Saturday morning to use the bathroom and thought I heard something in the kitchen but didn't think too much about it. Later that afternoon, when I was getting out of the shower I heard it again. "What the hell is that!" I walked over to the pantry and right before my eyes was a big, fat mouse or rat or whatever the hell it was. I screamed. But at that point I'd already scared it away. I grabbed a shoe from my room and chucked it into the kitchen. Then I slowly creeped back to see if it was gone. I'm actually quite impressed with my boldness. The frightening thing about this, is that I'm more afraid of a cockroach then I am of a rodent. Anyway, I managed to shut the doors to the pantry after rearranging some of the containers and then put a chair in front of the doors to make sure Minnie (Tori named it) couldn't get out into the rest of the apartment. Of course this happens to me when my roomate is gone for the weekend. All the creepy crawlies come out when I'm home alone. It's some kind of evil test for me I think. Overall, I handled it well. Oh and I found a dead cockroach under the radiator.. I think the Boric Acid got to him. I did speak with my landlord's son, Lou, yesterday. He seemed a little shocked and disbelieving that I saw a rodent but he assured me he was going to call an exterminator.

Next I'll talk about my date. I feel a little weird discussing it here because I'm not sure if Anthony reads this or not but I guess it shouldn't really matter. So I met him, Chris, Friday night. I've been given a few digits since I've been working at the bar but have been reluctant to call any of them. Something struck me about this one though. I don't know if it was how smoothly our conversation went or how slyly he asked me out but I agreed to have dinner with him Saturday night. The date went well. He's an intelligent guy, successful and very nice but I don't know how compatible we would be for each other. He is recently un-employed, but was a mutual funds broker or banker. He wears suits.. not when I met him of course but something about dating a guy who wears suits just tells me.. not a good match for me. And quite honestly, I'm really not ready to get serious with anyone. I still love Anthony. Even though I get the feeling this break up is permanent and I should move on, I'm still holding on to some hope. And on top of that, I'm quite enjoying being alone right now. I've been having a good time. I have so much to look forward to. I'm excited to start school. I'm excited about my new job. And I'm excited about some other things.. I don't want to discuss them at the moment though. I feel good, energized, happy.

Sunday I went into Manhattan and shopped around for my bedroom. I got a very nice black and white picture for my wall and another little poster along with some nice candles. My room still needs a few homey touches but it's definitely getting there.

That about sums it up..

Thursday, October 11, 2001
Work and sleep.. that's my life. Tuesday night I made it home right around 3 a.m. I slept for about 5 hours and then worked again. I was running on fumes yesterday.. and a double espresso and those 2 or 3 cups of coffee, some soda, oh and those damn little chocolate bars that sit on my desk everyday. I managed to make it through the entire day, it was long and painful but I did it. When I stepped onto the street to walk home from the subway, it felt as though a red carpet was being laid before me, leading me all the way to my humble abode. I walked into my apartment and into my room. My bed; oh my beautiful, wonderful bed. I removed my shoes and laid down. Smothered my head between my two pillows, buried myself in my comforter and closed my eyes. It was wonderful.

I slept soundly for a couple hours but woke up to my phone ringing. I didn't answer it but my curiosity of whom it was hindered my ability to fall into another coma. So I layed there with my eyes open, but still buried in pillows and blankets. My phone rang again. I managed to answer it this time. It was Tori informing me that Rhoda would not be in tomorrow (today) and either her or myself would need to be in at 8:00. I was hungry anyway, so I decided to un-cocoon myself and make myself something to eat. I read some of the paper that was left over from Sunday and then finished my book. Speaking of which, I will be going to the bookstore today after work if someone (assuming anyone reads this) wants to suggest any good, soul warming books. I seemed to have done a fine job the last time I went but I'm always up for suggestions.

After I finished my book I sat in my bed thinking. Thinking about the war that is going on right now and how scared I am and how insignificant my life feels right now. Thinking about how my life could end at any moment and what I feel is most valuable to me right now. I thought I had it figured out and I guess I still do but there are so many possibilities out there. I do want to go to school to be a teacher, but what if I want to save up some cash, forget school and head off to South America or some other foreign country and live out one of my dreams? Is that taking a shortcut in life? What if being a teacher is my dream? What if I die tomorrow, next week or next year? For now I will continue with my plan for going to school in spring but I am putting heavy thought into the other possibilities. The long, cold winter ahead will allow me plenty of nights cuddled in my bed to do some much needed soul searching.

On a lighter note.. I typed my name into Google yesterday and my blog came up. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Not that I think that people will be randomly typing my name into Google but on the off chance that someone does stumble onto it.. makes me feel a little weird. Why? I dunno..

I stood next to a heavy breather on the train this morning. Are heavy breathers aware of their heavy breathing? If I were a heavy breather, I think I'd drive myself crazy. Maybe I am a heavy breather but I don't know it. Although, I do prefer the heavy breather to the intolerable gum snapper. I've pretty much given up chewing gum for the fact of how annoyed I get with people who snap their gum. It amazes me how the trains can be packed full of people but it's still quiet enough to hear that god damn gum snapper. I mean, is it just me or does that drive other people crazy too? Maybe it's payback torture from my earlier years when I would chew gum a lot. I'm sure I snapped my gum but I'd like to think I did it unconsciously. I'd like to think that I'm perfect and that I've never annoyed anyone in my entire life, unless of course it was intentional. I'd like to think I am perfectly imperfect.

Monday, October 08, 2001
It's been a few days since I last wrote in my stanky blog, so let me fill you in..

Thursday evening; I'm getting ready to leave work to meet my mom in Queens for dinner with my family. I'm about to leave work and I notice that I have a new voicemail (this is rare, because I get very few phone calls). It just so happens to be Fred, from the King's Head Tavern!!!! I called him back right away but no answer, so I left a message. I walked to Penn Station from work looking down at my phone every 5 seconds to see if he was calling me back. Finally, I got to Queens and I still hadn't heard from him. So I called him back again. He actually answered and I told him who I was hoping to hear some good news from him. Apparently he was looking for someone to train that night (Thursday) as a cocktail waitress but he'd already found someone. He told me that he might be needing another person for the other bar and he'd call me in a couple days. Well, to my great surprise.. he calls me again Friday and well, there you have it. As of Friday night I'm now a cocktail waitress. I still have no idea what my schedule is going to be but I do have to go in again tonight. The bar is perfect.. it's the kind of bar that I like to hang out in. Pool tables, dart board and good music on the juke box. I met tons of really nice people and made some good cash. I was so beat by the end of the night. I worked at Riot from 9-5, then the bar from 7- until sometime after 4 a.m. by the time I cashed out, had a beer and hung out for a bit.. I didn't end up getting home until 6 in the morning. I was up for almost 24 hours.

Saturday, I woke up sometime after noon. Tori met me in my neighborhood around 3. We went into Bedford; had some lunch, shopped and walked around for awhile. Later that night we met up with her friend, Steve. We were attempting to see a movie but that never happened. We hung out in his loft in Chelsea for awhile and had a bottle of wine. His place is absolutely amazing. It's this huge warehouse he uses as an art studio. Apparently Steve's friend owns it, but it's his for as long as he wants. This place blows Rich, Liz and Chris's (some of Anthony's co-workers) place out of the water. And that is saying a lot. It was really wonderful hanging out with Steve and Tori. Steve is really kind man, he's a bit older but incredibably easy to talk to. We decided to go get some food and ended up drinking a couple glasses of champagne and had some warm chocolate cake to celebrate Steve's birthday. By the time we all parted it was sometime close to 4 in the morning. I think I'm turning into a vampire.

My train ride home is really not very long but somehow I ended up falling asleep. It's not that I was drunk or anything just completey exhausted from the night before. So, I woke up and instantly knew I missed my stop. I was a little nervous about it because I didn't know where the hell I was and I was angry because I put myself in a vulnerable situation. I felt a little better when I saw another woman standing on the platform but it was still pretty scary. Luckily I only waited a short time before the next train came. I don't think I've ever been so happy to crawl into my bed as I was that night.

Yesterday was a relaxing day. I went into Manhattan and walked around the east village for awhile. I was looking for a specific movie theater but instead found a flea market and a couple really cool thrift stores. I don't know if I'd be able to find them again, I got a little lost but lost in a good way. I still knew the general direction I was walking in. I wanted to see a movie but my cramps started to flare up so I headed back home instead. I'm a little perturbed to have started my period a week early but went home, made myself some soup and read the paper in between some much needed naps. It was a very peaceful, relaxing day.

Our company is closed today for Colombus Day, but we have a couple clients here and they needed someone to come in. The good thing about it is that I get a free floating holiday. I'm going to take the Monday off that Aimee is here. It's pretty nice working on a holiday anyway, it's quiet and I get free food. Also, the parade is going on right outside our building so I get a great view of it without dealing with the mass crowds.

That about sums up my last few days.
Au Revoir (I look like a frenchy today.. it's the hat)

Thursday, October 04, 2001
Fresh laundry.. nothing beats it. Well, for us single folks anyway..

So yesterday I left work early with my mom and we went shopping. I got a new shower curtain, bathroom rug, kitchen rug, plates, silverware, place mats and kitchen towels. It was fun. I feel bad because she spent a lot of money but my place really needed some help. I have every intention of paying her back as soon as I get that second job I've been searching for. Speaking of which.. I had this pseudo-semi-quasi interview thingie last night. Let me explain..

So there was an ad in the Village Voice (for you seattlelites, it's like the Stranger but better). I was looking in the help wanted section for some part time work. I found one that sounded perfect.. part time, late nights, hiring immediately. It just said interviews Wed 6-7 and Sat 6-7. So after my mom and I were done shopping about 5ish, I headed home to change and head for the King's Head Tavern. The place didn't sound fancy or anything, so I dressed casual but "hip". The place was so conveniently located to me. 4 stops off my train. When I got there I spotted it immediately.. and then I spotted the line out the door of people who also thought this job sounded perfect. Some people had resumes, some didn't. I had a conversation with the girl behind me and the girls in front of me. After we stood in line for about 10 minutes or so the guy that was conducting the interviews spoke up.. "Okay people, I'm going to speed this up a bit.." he told us the hours, 8pm to 4am Thurs-Sat; few people left. Then he told the people who brought their resumes to just hand them in. And for the rest of us, we just wrote our names and numbers on a piece of paper. I asked the guy if there was any application to fill out. I knew there wasn't but thought if I turned on my charm (and opened my mouth) maybe I would stand out in the crowd of people. Who knows what will happen. I imagine there is an extremely high turnover rate, which by the way would be for the glamorous coat check position. You don't get paid off the books, you strictly make tips and tips only. So, who knows.. maybe in a month or so after they've gone through a handle of people, maybe I'll get a call. The bar looked pretty cool though and it's not far from my place and they had cheap pints.. so who knows, maybe I'll show my face around there and try to nudge my way in.

I was happy to get back home and fix up my apartment. I cleaned, I cleaned everything. I scrubbed the tub, the bathroom floor, cleaned the kitchen, took out all the garbage and recycling and swept the entire apartment minus Joel's room. Then I put everything back together. The place looks nice.. it felt so much more like a real home. Little by little I'm going to try and fix it up, as cheaply as possible. I want to search the "nice" neighborhoods for goods. I think this weekend I'm going to check out the village. I must say I was a little dissapointed to not get a "thank you" or "the place looks nice" this morning but whatever. The situation between Joel and myself is well, it's awkward. I don't think it has to be and I'm trying to be nice but it's just weird. I'll give him a month or so to try to adjust and then I'll say something.

And on a different note, when I was walking home after the interview and on my way to clean, there was a girl walking across the street. She was frantically calling out a name, which at first I couldn't make out. I thought maybe her friend was at the other end of the block or something but then I noticed she stopped by a couple and looked to be asking them something. She continued walking calling out this name.. Cooper? I was just about to turn down my block, but then decided to ask her if she needed help with something. Turns out this poor girl's apartment had been robbed earlier in the day and her dog, Pepper, got out. She was carrying a picture of her and she just had tears streaming down her face. She didn't even care that her apartment was broken into, she just wanted to find her doggie. I felt so bad for her, I asked where she lived and told her that I was going to go for a walk later and I'd keep my eyes out for little Pepper. She thanked me and headed back home for her car so she could drive around to look. I did end up going for a walk last night, but I didn't find Pepper. I'm going to walk by her apartment tonight.. I really want her to find her dog.

Wednesday, October 03, 2001
I just saw the funniest thing on my way to work this morning..

This woman was walking down the street with her skirt pulled up over her left buttock. You could see her entire cheek! I was about to say something to her but another woman beat me to it. The woman handled it well.. she laughed if off and kept walking.

Okay.. that's all I can write for now. I can't think here. It sucks.

There is an art store in my hood that has internet access.. I'm going to start writing my blogs there. More later...

Tuesday, October 02, 2001
Boy oh boy.. I'm pooped!

Last night Tori and I went to see our friend, Chris (from work) do his comedy show. Actually there were about 5 comedians total. It was pretty funny. Chris is probably one of the funniest people I've ever met. I think last nights show wasn't one of their best performances because there were very few people there, but it was still good. We hung out for a bit afterwards and then headed home. The show didn't start until after 10, so I got home pretty late last night.

I must say that riding the subway at 1:30 in the morning does make for good entertainment. I think I'm going to force myself to ride the subway at least one late night a week just to amuse myself. There was one creepy guy who I could swear was rubbing his umbrella on his crotch when I looked over at him. It was gross and a little creepy but he looked harmless. A couple of young kids talking about how they couldn't wait to get home to smoke a big fatty. Some old guy talking to himself and your other typical late night weirdos. It was entertaining. Who needs a TV when you got the subway?

Today my mom is meeting me at work.. if she doesn't embarrass me, Kenny (my boss) will. It will be fun though. We are going to lunch together and then after work we are meeting up with my cousin and then we'll all go see a show together. She is going to spend the night with me tonight.. this is my plan to have her see my place and buy me some much needed household items. I need a new shower curtain, bathroom rug, kitchenware and some girly touches. I want to fix up the living room area so I don't always feel like I'm hiding out in my bedroom. Also, I'm going to start painting regularly. Aimee sent me this very sweet email and has inspired me to make some paintings.. probably as Christmas gifts. I need to have a project, this will be a fun one.

Monday, October 01, 2001
Well, that was a tough weekend.. my goodness. I'm feeling pretty melancholy these days, hopefully it will pass.

I took a car home from my aunt and uncles last night. My driver was a really nice guy. We talked about cars, floods, and his move from Haiti to the U.S. He even apologized for having to take my money. I think maybe he sensed I needed to talk. After I got home I went for a walk. It was raining and windy but all I could do is walk. I found a couple cute restaurants, a bar and even a bakery. When I got home I was soaked to the bone probably not the smartest thing for me to do since I'm a sicky right now but I just couldn't stay still.

I came home made myself some tea (the first thing I've ever cooked for myself in my place.. if you call that cooking) and read until about midnight. I took some benadryl so I would be able to sleep (my nose is like a faucet) but even as powerful as benadryl is.. I still didn't sleep through the night. I think I need to see a doctor.. I think I have sleep insomnia or something. This is very unlike me to not be able to sleep, it's usually my most reliable quality.

I really need to get myself a library card because I sense that I'm going to be reading lots and lots of books. I'm almost finished with my book I started last night and I don't have the dough to keep buying new ones. I need to find some cute little used book shop. A hang out. And I'm still waiting for my list, Ms. Liviya :o) ...not sure if you still read this Laurel but I could use some of your suggestions as well. The book I'm reading now is pretty funny.. it fits the mood pretty well.

This morning I had to wait for a third freakin train because the other two were so damn crowed. Luckily they all came right after another. I was trying to be sly this morning. I left early thinking the trains would be less crowded... ha ha ha! that was a joke. I just can't win.. :o)

Saturday, September 29, 2001
I hurt today. My heart. My head. My body. My brain. Everything hurts.

I'm here at my aunt and uncle's house visiting my mommy. I will refer to her as my mommy (something I normally wouldn't do) because I feel like a hurt child needing comfort from the one person who can soothe the pain. Thank god she is here right now because I might be curled up in a ball in my room withering away. The pain comes in waves and last night's and today's are big ones. I feel like I'm drowning.

I know I made a lot of mistakes but I still don't understand this. Uggh.. I wish I could understand so I could learn to accept this.. but I can't. I'm trying to take things day by day but god is it hard. I'm constantly thinking.. I wish I had a goddamn switch to turn my brain off. I just hate this. How long does this pain have to last?

Friday, September 28, 2001
I got to spend yesterday with my buddy Ava. It's really amazing how much Tori and I get away with at work. We have a lot fun here but I guess that's expected when you have a shit job.

I went home yesterday and felt inspired to paint... (I think because Ava and I do a lot of arts and crafts)
I went to the art store in my neighborhood and bought a couple new colors and some canvas. I went home and whipped out this really cool painting. I want to keep it but I told my mom and dad that I was going to make them a "home made" birthday present since I'm too poor to buy real gifts. It turned out great.. I was really proud of myself. I finished it pretty early and after I was done decided to go up to my roof to hang out and think... like I need a special place to think! Please! Anyway, I hung out on my roof for a little bit then went back into my room and listened to a couple cd's and then I cried. The one person that I want to share my painting with, isn't a part of my life anymore.

I had troubles sleeping again last night and took some tylenol p.m. around 12:30.. bad idea. They take awhile to kick in and I didn't fall asleep until about 2ish. I woke up this morning soo damn tired. I do feel a little better today though, my throat feels much much better.

Okay.. I can't focus anymore.. too many things going on around me. Like my boss hanging over me nagging me as I write this..

Okay okay.. ciao peoples.

Thursday, September 27, 2001
Ahhh.. some peace and quiet.

I haven't been keeping up on my blog because my phone line is still down besides all that I'm sure Anthony is going to want his laptop back. The only computer access I have is here at work and well, I don't get much peace and quiet or privacy.. except when I work at 8. 8 to 9 is usually a nice relaxing hour.

I feel like I'm getting sick. Not that it surprises me.. I haven't exactly been a healthy person lately. Last night when I got home from work I fell asleep for a few hours then woke up did some stuff and went back to bed around 10ish. I think last night was the first time I slept through an entire night without waking up before my alarm went off. It surely felt good.

My mom is going to be here later tonight. I'm very happy to have her here. We don't have any big plans but it will be good to see her and some of my other family.

Other than that, nothing too exciting happening. I did hand in my application for school yesterday. So far everything looks good.. I'll be starting spring quarter. I really need to get another job.. I have some friends at work who are asking their bartender friends to help me out. I'm also checking on some other places, depending on how I feel after work I might do some job searching tonight.

That's all really.

Monday, September 24, 2001
What a weekend... a really great weekend.

I'll start off by saying how content I really feel with myself right now. I'm quite surprised myself and it could be just one of the early stages of a broken heart. But I really do feel good. Sarah bought me this beautiful book.. it's amazing. It's the kind of book that you can read over and over and it will never lose it's beauty. Thank you, Sarah. That was healer number one.

There is a woman who works here at Riot. She has an amazing daughter, Ava. Last week she brought Ava into work with her (this was the second time I was able to spend time with her). This little girl is filled with so much love and laughter. She is so beautiful and so bright. I remember being her age.. it's a wonderful age. I realize that she comes from a "good" family and of course that helps with her amazing personality. But I also know how impressionable kids are at that age and if they don't come from a "good" family this a good age to have a mentor. Someone they can trust and look up to.

Ava and I bonded. And I really believe there is a reason for that.

In this book that I'm reading, it talks a lot about omens and personal legends. I've often said how I would like to go back to different ages in my life. But the truth is, I don't think I would give up all that I've learned and experienced. I've had a bumpy road, not as bumpy as others have experienced but it certainly hasn't been smooth sailing. I've struggled for a long time to figure out what I was meant to do on this earth. My question always being.. what am I really good at? And for a long time I convinced myself that I wasn't good at anything. I gave up before I started. I didn't try because I was afraid of failure. It's been a destructive, vicious cycle. But it ends here.

Sometimes things that seem most difficult and so out of reach are really just dangling in your face. I think my omen is Ava, as cheesy as it may sound. I think that she made me realize what I love and what I'm good at. I used to think I was an old soul but I've come to realize I have a young soul. I will always be young at heart.. I get it from my mother. I feel like I would have something wonderful to offer.. I want to teach. It makes me feel peaceful inside. I still have a long road ahead, and I have every intention of taking small steps to get to the end. But I'll get there. And when I do, I will still be young with so much to share.

This world is filled with so many wonderful, beautiful people. I have proof.. I spent the past few days with them, different groups of them. I have had so much time to think... all I can do is think. My first thought of being alone in this city (in this world) was horrifying. I was scared to death of spending all my time alone.. I was afraid of myself. I cried.. I cried a lot. And when I saw through all my tears.. I wasn't afraid of myself anymore. Why? Because.. I, Denyse Ann LaFerla, realized that I do love myself. Of course I still have many issues and obstacles to over come. But they are my issues and my obstacles. They have made who I am today and will continue to make who I become.

Thursday, September 20, 2001
Anthony broke up with me.

I'm doing much better today. Still haven't eaten much of anything and can't really sleep without some help from my friends.. Mr. Beer, Mrs. Weed and Sleeping Pills Junior. I joke.. sorda.

I'll get through this. I went out with Sarah last night, and Tori met up with us later. It helped tremendously! Tonight I'm going bowling with some friends from work, Sarah and Melissa. I can't tell you how great people have been to me. And even a couple of his friends from work emailed me some kind words. I know that I will be spending a lot of time by myself, but it's been life saving to not be alone right now.

Of course I want to leave.. go home. I just want to be as far away from him as I can get. But at the same time, I know how stupid it would be for me to make such a huge decision so quickly, without a clear head. I at least have to wait until Aimee comes to visit me. I can't wait!

For now I'm going to focus on getting another part time job. That way I can occupy my time, save some money and meet some more people. There are some other activities I'm going to start too. And I'm still planning on attending school in spring.. maybe Colorado? Don't know.. too soon to say. But wherever I end up or if I decide to tough out the tough apple, I know I'll make it and probably become a better person in the process.

Last night as I was laying in bed, slightly tipsy, I thought of the most ridiculous question.. I made myself laugh.
Are religious people allowed to masturbate? or is that a sin?

Monday, September 17, 2001
I haven't been writing much lately.. it's been hard. I'm having a hard time collecting my feelings and trying to make sense of them.

Friday night Anthony and I left a friend's house together and we were dropped off in Union Square. Union Square was filled with candles, flowers and groups of people gathered to talk about this tragedy. It was late and I was tired. We were confronted by a lunatic. A man who was filled with rage and who desperately wants revenge. Anthony wanted so much to make him see differently, to have a discussion with him. I couldn't handle it.. I wanted to leave. I did leave. I just couldn't stand the thought of listening to this man try and rationalize why we should blow them up.. why we deserve revenge. It made me sick to my stomach.

Anthony and I met up with each other on Saturday.. we met in Union Square. It was much more peaceful then. We donated some goods, looked at all the signs, flowers and candles and grieved. It felt good. New York is really an amazing place to be right now. This attack has been heard around the world. It will forever be remembered in history. It's a weird feeling to be here. To experience things that other parts of the world can't experience. Like the horrid smell coming from the fire, the sounds of constant emergency vehicles passing by, and the eerie view of downtown missing its two most prominent buildings.

I'm going to try and volunteer later this week or next week. I'll work during the night if they want me to.. I just want to help.

On a more personal level.. I'm changing. I want to live my life better. I want to live with less fear.. because honestly, I'm afraid of many many things. I'm sick and tired of being afraid and having a lack of confidence in myself. Anthony and I are having problems right now.. and it's not the first time I've fought over these problems. They are problems that I've had for a long time but haven't dealt with. They keep emerging their ugly heads and now I must fight them. It's to the point were I may lose (hopefully haven't lost) him to my fears and insecurities. I need to take control of my life. I want just want to live in peace with myself. Be happy with myself. Be proud of things I know and the things I can do.

Be happy.

Thursday, September 13, 2001
It's hard for me to start this.. I'm not really sure where to begin. It's been awhile since my last real entry and so much has happened/changed. My emotions have been running wild since Tuesday, a Tuesday I will never forget. A day I remember waking up to just as any other normal day but ending as the most tragic day I've ever experienced.

I went to work an hour early Tuesday.. the hour between 8 and 9 is usually so peaceful. Peaceful is not a word I can use to describe that day. For me it started with a coworker coming through the elevator.. "A plane just hit the World Trade Center!" I had no idea what size of plane it was or the damage that had been done. As he walked off to tell others, I searched the web to see if any news had been posted.. none. I then called Anthony to tell him what I just heard, thinking maybe he had heard more than I had.. but no. Shortly after getting off the phone with him someone else had yelled from down the hall that a second plane had hit. And from there the horror just continued.

It really feels like a horror movie or some nightmare that you are going to wake up from. But it's real life. I feel blessed that I am safe and that everyone close to me is safe. But I still feel nauseas. I feel deeply for those who lost their lives and those who lost their loved ones. It brings tears to my eyes.

I applaud the way we have all pulled together. The amount of people donating blood and volunteering is astounding. It's a proud feeling of togetherness. The bond between people feels strong.

I'm in fear of what our actions will be. Our country has been wounded and many innocent people lost their lives. We are terrilbly sad and angry at what's been done. I fear our anger.

Wednesday, September 05, 2001
blah blah blah

Thursday, August 30, 2001
"....I was Heaven, I was in Hell. I believe in neither but fear them as well..." -Modest Mouse

It's like a god damn miracle or something. God Damn (you gotta say it with some authority)!

So here I am playing around on the computer. I've had an interest in computers for a little while now.. since my last job at Loudeye (which I miss oh, so much). Anthony knows oodles and oodles about computers and I know he'd like to share some of that knowledge with me. I haven't asked for his help sooner because I am LAZY. And besides that, he is usually occupying his computer and I hate to bug him any more than I already do.

So, besides all that.. I want a website. For my dog walking business (see the other day's entry). I mentioned this to Ansty and he set me on a speedy track to get myself started. So, I'm in the very, very, VERY early stages of starting anything. HOWEVER, I figured out how to put a picture into my source and I am SO proud of myself. I did have a little help from looking at another website but I, Denyse LaFerla, figured it out. Woo Hoo!

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a difficulty with song lyrics. Yes, yes.. it's very funny to some but it can be rather embarrassing for me. Some examples?? The song Love Shack by B52's, I used to sing Love Shot. I must have been a sophomore in high school when this song was popular and one particular morning my friend, Stephanie (whom I miss dearly), and I were in my car driving to school and we were listening the radio. This song comes on and I started singing along.. I love to sing along. Anyway, a few minutes in and then the chorus breaks in... "Love shot baby love shot.." she started laughing at me. her "What are you singing?" me "love shot.. why?" her "denyse, it's love shack.." me "no, it's not.. it's love shot. i swear." her "denyse, that makes absolutely no sense." me "sure it does.. you know.. like a shot of love?" and my god, I held up my argument as forcefully as I could. Until she asked me.. "Denyse, what exactly is a shot of love?" The really sad and embarrassing part of all this.. is that I really beloved in such a thing.. a shot of love. It took her sometime to convince me that I was wrong.

Anyway, I'll give more examples later.. I'm getting off track here. So I'm sitting at the computer and listening to some Modest Mouse. Previously jamming to G Love and Special Sauce. Two cd's that are from my past. The kind of music that makes you say.. "I should listen to more of that!" Anyway, getting off track again.. I happened to be listening to Modest Mouse when I figured out the picture thingie and the words quoted above just happened to be playing. I was in a moment of pure satisfaction, my mind was clear. The words just seemed to sound so good at that moment and I actually heard them.. word for word. God Damn!

I think I got sauce because I sure feel saucy.

I saw one of the guys who lives in the apartment below me for the first time tonight. I've been here a month and a half and that's my first encounter.

My first impression.. not what I expected. Younger, taller, more hip and less gay than I expected. Actually he didn't look at all gay. Not that I have a problem with gay, just that the only thing I knew about the "2nd floor apartment" is that two guys lived there and they were quiet. And since I've never seen nor heard a gosh darn peep from them, I assumed they were happily in love, making love and/or shooting themselves with love.

Well, tonight has been nice. I listened to good music. I taught myself something cool. I sang the correct words of a song. I had a beer. I smoked a little wizzy. And wrote some in my bloggie.

T'was a grand evening... grand.

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
I got a haircut.. a drastic haircut. It's funny to see people's reactions to it. I guess I like it. It's a little shorter than I was expecting and it will take a little more maintenance but once it grows out a little it'll be fine. I feel like such a girly girl.

Right now I'm hiding in a back office, pretending like I'm working on stuff. I actually haven't a clue how to do the work I'm supposed to be working on. Oh well.

Colorado is still very much on my mind as far as I can see my near future heading but I'm not completely eliminating all other ideas. Such as today's idea.. start a dog walking business. I figure what can hurt? Anthony can help me build an awesome website and me, with my charming personality, can build up a large clientele. And even if the website sucks (not happenin') or if I don't charm anyone then what do I lose? Nada.. Zilch. So as of today, that's my new thing.

Okay, I have to get back to ..."Oh my god, Did you cut your hair?!"

Thursday, August 23, 2001
I like the rain. I don't necessarily like it all the time but it really is very calming.

I was sent home from work today because I'm not feeling well. I took a couple of Advil sinus and cold tablets at around 9:00. They kicked in shortly after and I made my way back to Anthony's place in a complete fog. I'm surprised I didn't wake up in Queens or Montauk or some other far away land. Anyway, I headed for bed as soon as I got home. I woke up for a short period around noon (thanks to Antsy) for an attempt to see Oysterhead at Ivring plaza, Sept. 15... all efforts failed. Decided I should watch some television and look for a job. Sat in the living room for maybe 3 minutes and headed for the bed again. I just woke up, and it's almost 6:00. I'm such a wastoid.

I'm worried about my brother. Haven't heard from my mom since Sunday and didn't get the best of news when we talked. I'm afraid to call, afraid of hearing more bad news.

The other day I went dog walking at the shelter in Brooklyn. It was fun. I walked two dogs, Hilton and Domino. Hilton was a shaggy little guy whom I couldn't pet because sometimes he nipped people. He stopped every 5 feet to smell and pee. After 10 minutes of walking he ran out of pee so he just stopped to smell and lift his leg. Domino was one of those tiny little dogs that sorda looks like a rat. He had a cute face but such a skinny little guy. He had some urinating issues also but not as much as Hilton. I will definitely be doing this on a regular basis. I figure once I do it for awhile I will be able to spend more time with dogs and maybe volunteer in some other ways. I must thank Anthony for telling me about this because I never would have known otherwise. Thanks Antsy!

Laurel left today... so sad. Anthony and I are going to miss her very much. She's an amazing person, I'm glad I was able to befriend her the short time she was here. I know she will be happy in Iowa and that is what's important. Truthfully I don't know how much longer I want to stay here either. The more and more I think about it (and the fact that I'm getting so anxious for the paperwork) the more Colorado is sounding like the place I want to be. I really hope that Anthony and I can figure out some kind of workable plan together. I would love for him to come with me but I know that realistically he won't be able to come with me for spring quarter. I really hope we can work something out together. I do love him so.

Monday, August 20, 2001
Oh, before I go... I was just about to edit my last entry. If you'll notice my love for run-ons and the misuse of commas. I was just going to correct all that and make it pretty and gramatical but I've decided to leave it in it's original form. I'm such a rebel.

This weekend was wonderful. It was so nice to spend some quality time with Anthony. The week apart did us some serious good. He took me to this fancy hotel (they had Philosphy products.. shampoo, conditioner and lotion) with a bed I could have spent the rest of my life in, out to a wonderful Turkish dinner and to a comedy club. Oh, and ESPN sports to play some airhockey and simulated white water rafting (which by the way, my arms are still sore from). Great fun. Then we wandered about New York Saturday and Sunday.. shopping of all things. Shopping is a luxury I don't get to take part in much these days. Not sure if I've mentioned how poor I am but I'm P O O R. I was able to spend some money that I don't really have on myself which made me feel good at the time but come September 1st when I need to pay rent.. I won't be so happy with myself. Fuck it. I want to live in the NOW.. live for today not for tomorrow!! Ha ha ha, yeah right.

Anyway, Colorado is becoming a serious idea for me.Today I actually pin pointed a couple areas of study!?!?! It's a freakin miracle! I came to a revelation about myself the other day. I'm never short of an idea of what I'd like to do or be interested in trying in my life. My problem is sheer laziness (and sometimes money). And up until March 17th of this year, when I actually moved from Seattle to New York, I'd never followed through on anything. I mean, I'm not a complete bum or anything. I've traveled some, always had a decent job stuff like that. But never actually followed through on a dream or an idea as big as moving out of state or starting massage school or anything where I'd have to follow through or finish. I think the best lesson I've learned is that nothing is stopping me except me. And as trite as that may sound, it's the honest to god truth. The move has taken many things away from me; family, friends, the comfort of my surroundings but at the same time given me strength, confidence and believe it or not.. a little bit of motivation. Of course I still have plenty of issues to deal with and I know I'll still fuck stuff up but at least I'll do it with more confidence. Maybe. I hope.

Interests for study as of 8/20/2001
Veterinary Program (I'd really like to train dogs for the blind)
Graphic Design

and the more I think about it, the more I want to train dogs. I love dogs. Anthony gets mad at me because I will stop and gawk at a dog in mid-conversation. I think part of the reason I don't like it here, is because you have to be a mulit millionare to own a dog. A happy dog. And I only want a dog if it can be happy. I can really be a very selfish person except when it comes to things like that. There is a dog shelter in Williamsburg, convenientlylocated near me, where you can just walk the dogs. I'm going there tomorrow after work to sign up. I hope I don't sound like one of them freaky animal lovers. I like animals and particulary love dogs. I don't hang pictures of them or have puppy wallpaper wear shirts with kittens and puppies with puffy ears. I just geniunely like dogs... the bigger the better. Them little yappers can get on my nerves.

Friday, August 17, 2001
Well, I made it back to the big city the other night. I didn't get home until about 3:00,Thursday morning. I spent about 10 to 15 minutes fighting with a cockroach bigger than my foot then settled into bed for a couple hours of sleep before returning to work. Yesterday was a good day.. I had a warm welcome when I arrived at Riot and had an exciting night to look forward to.. the Radiohead concert.

Last night was great. Taking the ferry was beautiful. There are times when I hate this city, despise it but then you see an amazing view like pulling away from or to the city on the water or standing on top of someone's building with a panoramic view or walking through central park, just those to name a few, that make me love it. The music was great last night.. such variety. They are really a very talented band, I should listen to them more. Although, after standing and dancing for about 4 hours my legs felt like they were going to break in half.. when did I get so old? The ferry ride back was a nice way to end the evening, it's amazing how a city with so many people can look so peaceful.

Anyway, Tori and I had a wonderful time. I feel like I'm going to die now (had to be at work at 8 this morning) but well worth it.

My only complaint about last night was to find another gargantuan cockroach last night. I think they are on steroids. I was able to kill the one from Thursday night but last nights massive friend got away. I left all the lights on (in hopes it would scare the fucker away) and had my fan blowing in the kitchen, this was to create some noise. Don't ask.. it was 3:00 in the morning. With my lack of sleep from the past few days, anything is possible. I was a little embarrased to find that Gilbert came home last night.. he shut off the lights and my fan. He probably thinks I'm some kind of whacko. He'll probably be equally pleased when he picks the phone book up from the floor to find a smooshed cockroach. Oh well. I think I need a cat.

Well, this entry is pretty scarce but I'm too tired to think. In a nutshell.. good to see Anthony, good concert, extremely too tired and thoroughly disgusted with roaches.

Tuesday, August 14, 2001
Michael and I had a good day yesterday. I think he pushed himself a bit much, but we had fun together. Today I am going with him to the hospital to get some medications. Tonight I will hopefully get together with some of my friends before leaving for NY tomorrow. This has been a very difficult few days for me. It hurts me so much to see my brother go through this. And my mom. She has to stay so strong right now.. it's the true test of being of mother. And a wife. Let me just tell you that my dad is not easy to handle, especially after surgery.

Seeing Michael is dumbfounding. He had Hodgekins when he was 19, 11 years ago. I don't remember him looking so sick. He looks like he has cancer. I was expecting it but deep down inside, hoping it wouldn't be so bad. His bones protrude through his clothes, he barely has any hair left. He has trouble breathing and is easily weakend. It's painful. Yesterday he was telling me about the possibility of another cancer he may have. One that is much, much worse and so much harder to treat. He needs to have another blood test and biopsy before anything is certain. He is keeping himself educated on everything, no matter how difficult. I envy his strength.

Monday, August 13, 2001
AHHHH!! I'm so completely frustrated right now. Excuse my rant here, but what the fuck am I doing with my life? It makes me want to curl up in a ball and just disappear.

A few minutes ago I was looking into colleges. How depressing right? 25 years old and still not through school. I just don't know where to begin or how to start. I don't even know what interests me.. what would I even study? Sitting here in North Bend at my parents house is driving me to insanity. Here's a list of ideas that have crossed my mind in just the past few months. I can give a 100 reasons for every idea of why it wouldn't work for me..

1. Going to school to be a nurse
2. Going to massage school
3. Moving back home (yeah right!) and starting life over in Seattle
4. Going to school in Colorado (this was today's idea)
5. Donating an egg and taking the money to travel indefinitely
6. Stay the receptionist for my crappy ass company with hopes of moving up sometime very soon while at the same time continue my search for other employment in NYC
7. Jumping of the Brooklyn Bridge

Obviously number 7 is not totally true. I can think up so many reasons why any of these ideas wouldn't work for me. Mostly because of money or maybe lack of ambition. I really don't know what I want from myself. I know I want to accomplish something. How am I ever going to have a family, a healthy marriage a successful and fulfilling life if I never try anything.

I feel like a wilting flower in the hot sun.

I just woke up from the weirdest dream. I was at a Phish concert with Anthony and someone else.. a dream extra. I remember standing next to Anthony for a moment while I was eating something. For some reason I set my plate down and ran to find my friend, the dream extra. I found her and we talked for a few minutes and then, the next thing I know I'm frantically running for a bathroom. Ahhhh... I found one. I swear I must have been peeing for 10 minutes worth of this dream. And still after I finished I wasn't completely relieved... hmmm. My friend and I started to head back towards the concert. After finding a spot where we could see the band and sit down I realized I'd forgotten about Anthony. I excused myself from my friend to find him. When I walked up to him, he was sitting on his blanket singing into a microphone.. not to me, to the band. He turned off the microphone and stood up next to me and gave me this snotty look where he rolls his eyes at me (sometimes he gives me this look in real life), and then he turned his head away. I was furious, so I screamed something at him and then flipped him off and stormed off. I went back to my friend who was now sitting with some other dream extras and they were bouncing a ball back and forth.. I happily joined in. Suddenly I realized, I had to pee again. Then I woke up. And I peed.

This dream pisses me off because now I want to talk to Anthony but I can't. He's been in Alaska since Thursday and we've not talked to each other since he left Wednesday aftertoon. He's in Talkeetna which is very remote. I guess they don't have phones up there. Or maybe he's having such a great time with his friends that he's thinking "Why do I want to call that bitch?" I honestley don't know what to expect when he comes home. I started a fight with him right before he was leaving and it really didn't end well. Lately we just haven't been getting along.

I see these young couples with children and they look so happy. I'm old enough to know that people are not perfect and that any relationship has some problems. My dream has always been to find my soul mate and that he would sweep me off my feet. And we would live happily ever after with our two, maybe three, children. I'm 25 now and though that is still a relatively young age, I notice that the years come and go so quickly. Before I know it, I will be 30 and then where will I be? Losing my hair? Getting more spider veins? Still working as a receptionist for a company I don't really like? Ugghh. I just feel I've kind of floated through the last 7 years of my life. Not really paying attention to much or the effect it would have on me later in my life. I'm starting to see the effect now and it scares me.

Staying with my family puts things into perspective. I'm not a child anymore. I miss being that 5 year old, riding my bike, playing with my barbies. Being my parents "little girl". I miss snuggling up with my dad on his lazy boy watching Land of the Lost or some other equally awful TV show. It's so different now. Maybe the reason I want a family so badly, is so I can re-live "the good times".

Sunday, August 12, 2001
The first blog.

I arrived in Seattle late last night. The whole process of getting here was a huge pain in the ass. Hours of standing in lines for nothing. I was supposed to arrive Friday but do to some minor thunder storms, almost every flight was cancelled. I had to reschedule and luckily was able to leave on Saturday.

My third time taking that bus from Port Authority to Newark in two days.. 33 bucks down the tube. I got to the airport early, just as I was instructed to by a Delta agent Friday. I got the run around for a little bit from a girl who told me I couldn't check in until 4:30.. my flight was to leave at 5:30. What kind or horse shit is that?? I've checked into flights hours before I was leaving.. whatever. I did get my way, after calmly explaining my concern for getting on this flight. She printed out my boarding pass without checking my ID or asking me "Did anyone else pack your bags?" or "Has your luggage been in your immediate control?" Nada. She just handed me my boarding pass with a little undeserved attitude.

After finally boarding the plane (with an empty seat in the midde!!) I was happy to be leaving. Until the pilot had to be the bearer of bad news. Our flight pattern had been cancelled and we were to sit on the plane indefinitely, until they had an update for us. Luckily we waited only about 15 minutes or so and the pilot was able to use another flight pattern and we were shortly on our way.

The last time I flew Delta it was the same thing. On our way to Austin we had a lay over in Dallas. We sat on the plane for an hour or more (due to thunder storms) until finally they let us off so we could wait inside the airport. I guess I understand for weather purposes they can't give out freebies but they could certainly be more helpful. And at the very least could offer a free glass of wine or beer or movie!! I'm still in awe at how terrible Delta treated people. It amazes me how terrible customer service is these days. Maybe it's always been bad and I just notice it more now that I'm older.

I am currently visiting my family about an hour outside of Seattle. I moved to New York in March.. my first move anywhere. It's been difficult. Difficult in the sense that I'm poor.. flat out broke. Difficult because I have few friends and the couple that I do have won't be there much longer. Difficult because my boyfriend (the main reason I moved) and I aren't getting along. But the most difficult thing of all is being away from my family in such hard times.

My brother has cancer, Hodgekins disease. It's in his liver and bone marrow. They only found it a couple months ago and it had progressed to pretty severe stage. Currently he is doing okay.. but he really put us through a scare a couple weeks ago. His white blood count was down to a mere 400 when it should have been around 2000. I saw my brother for the first time since he lost all his weight last night. It took every bit of my strength to not cry my eyes out. I'm doing better now but know that my few days here are going to be difficult.

My dad just got home from the hospital yesterday after knee surgery. My poor mother. I love my dad dearly but he can be a real asshole. He's not much better after surgery, except that he sleeps more because of the pain killers. It's like this big, dark cloud is hanging over head and won't go away. I think I am too emotional to write now. I'll write more later when I can collect my thoughts.